I was flipping through the channels a few weeks ago, and stumbled onto one of those "To Catch a Predator" specials that Dateline NBC has been doing. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a huge sting operation where cops go online pretending to be horny 13 year old girls, and then convince pedophiles to come to their house, where they're subsequently arrested. I had turned to it while I was watching something else, and although I was fully planning on changing the channel back, I found that I simply couldn't. The sheer idiocy of the people being caught was so overwhelming, I had to keep watching to see just how much my faith in humanity could be crushed.
I guess what really bothers me is how successful this operation seems to be. One of the guys they arrested actually mentioned the show by name, saying that he'd seen a few of the other specials. So it's not like people aren't aware that when they're talking to "ilovebarneyandfucking69", there's a good chance that it's actually somebody who wants to arrest you and not a lonely nymphomaniac thirteen year old. Can you imagine the thought process these people must have? I understand that pedophilia is a mental disorder, and people that enjoy fucking kids probably have some issues already, but what kind of retard do you have to be to actually go over to a stranger's house in the hopes of performing an act that you know is illegal? Maybe most people are this stupid; the police should look into fighting all crime on the internet. They could pose online as "icarrylotsofcash23", and then strike up a conversation where they just happen to mention they'll be alone in a dark alley from 4-6. Any potential mugger that subsequently shows up gets a trip downtown. I know that if I ever happened to be online, and somebody that I had just met invited me over to help their sorority sisters pick out lingerie to have a sexy pillow fight in, I'd probably be a little suspicious. I mean, I'd go, but I'd be sure to circle the block a few times to make sure it actually was a house full of hot girls in tiny panties and not just a fat guy in a gimp suit waiting to rape me. To demonstrate how idiotic you have to be to actually get arrested in one of these stings, I've broken down the steps you would have to take to go from fantasizing about pre-pubescent sex to crying in the back of a police car while being videotaped:
Step 1: Be a pedophile.
Okay, easy enough. I don't know what horrible combination of genetics and upbringing need to be combined so that a person is turned on by having sex with children, but I can't imagine that it's much different than the ones that cause people to fuck corpses or only orgasm when their partner is dressed like the Hamburglar or whatever. The point is, there are all kinds of weird sexual fetishes out there, and while most of them aren't illegal, they're still not the kind of thing you can talk about in public. With the advent of the internet, I'm sure there are tons of places you can find kiddie porn, or at the very least dirty movies with girls who look like they're 14. Basically, as long as you're only fantasizing about say, sodomizing a penguin and not actually doing it, I have no problem with it. It's sick, but whatever. I'm sure that some people would be offended if they knew that I make my partners scream out the names of state capitals while climaxing, but what turns a person on is their business. It's when you actually try and make the fantasy you know to be a crime into a reality that the problems begin.
Step 2: Go online and find sexually promiscuous children whose parents are out of town.
This is where it starts to get weird. On the show, they're vague about where they actually get the transcripts of the 45 year old guy describing his penis to the person he believes to be an underage girl, and I'm kind of curious as to how a potential pedophile even goes about soliciting his victims. Do they just go find a "Rugrats" chat room and send out a general query about who wants to have sex? I mean, I can see if they find somebody on myspace or whatever and cultivate an e-mail relationship over the course of several weeks or months, but some of these guys were literally talking to the online predator squad 30 minutes before they showed up at the house. Do they just find somebody on AIM whose profile says that they're under 16 and enjoy Freddie Prinze Jr. movies and giving blowjobs? And how many messages do they have to send out before they even get a reply? I would love to know what the icebreaking message is; if it was me, I'd probably just go all out and send something like "WOULD U LIKE TO FUCK"? I mean, you know that your eventual goal is to break the law and solicit underage sex, so why waste time pretending to be interested in the pony their dad promised to buy them for Christmas? This is still disgusting, but once again, it's in the privacy of your home, so if it gets you off to type one-handed messages to someone who might not even be female, let alone underage, that's your prerogative.
But then the girl says something like "HEY MY PRENTS R GONE, DO YOU WANT TO COME OVR". This part is actually really scary, because the fact that so many people are caught in these sting operations means that at some point, a pedophile actually met a young girl online, went to her house, had sex, and then told all of his other pedophile friends about it. I mean, that has to explain it, right? Nothing else can account for the sheer stupidity. Maybe there was one guy at the annual pedophile convention who told all of the others about his amazing experience, thus propagating the myth:
Pedophile 1: "My fellow pedophiles, molesters and heshers! I have a story to tell! Hearken to my words, and be glad!"
Pedophile 2: "Yes! Tell us your story!"
Pedophile 1: "I tell you in truth that I, just this weekend past, met a young girl. She had seen naught but 13 years, though her screen-name bespoke of a maturity and wit far beyond her days. We exchanged pleasantries, and anecdotes, and laughed merrily as the night grew long. She eventually confided that her patriarch and matriarch had vacated the country, and coyly sought to entice me to her unoccupied abode."
Pedophile 2: "Gasp!"
Pedophile 3: "Surely not!"
Pedophile 2: "And did you go? Was it not a vile trick, an entrapment wrought by the despicable members of the constabulary?!"
Pedophile 1: "No, my friend. It was no trick. I went, and we....this young, enchanting creature and I...made passionate, transcendent love."
Pedophile 2: "Huzzah!"
Pedophile 3: "Truly, you have given us hope, and hope to all of our brethren!"
A lot of the people that were arrested were mongoloid hillbillies, so it's probably safe to assume they didn't think things through carefully before getting in their pickups and driving across town to fuck a child. But some of the people were doctors, lawyers, businessmen; people you'd think would be smart enough to say "Hmm...While I would certainly derive incredible sexual satisfaction from penetrating a 12 year old girl, logic and probability dictate that when I arrive, I will be greeted not by a sexually naive but willing young temptress, but a large police officer who will shoot me in the face with a taser and then broadcast my shame to the nation." And I'm sure this happens; I'd imagine that for every person that actually does show up, there are hundreds who get freaked out when asked to come over, immediately switch off their computers, and then spend the rest of the day locked in their house with the shades drawn and the lights off. But the fact that some people actually believe the scenario the police trap them with could conceivably happen just blows my mind.
Step 3: Actually get in your car and drive to the child's house.
Here's the part that's pretty disturbing. At this point, you've weighed all of the potential pros and cons of having sex with the anonymous child you just met on the internet, and have decided that it's totally worth it. This is why I don't feel bad for these people; not only are they sick, they're fucking idiots. A bunch of the ones on the show had even stopped on the way to pick up various items that they thought might enhance their experience. A lot of them were pretty mundane: condoms, lube, beer, etc. But a few went above and beyond, like the guy who was found with a penis pump in his car. The best part is that they caught him on tape using it, and then asked him why he waited in his car as opposed to going straight in. He tried to play it off by saying that it was because he was having second thoughts, and he started to cry when they confronted him with the evidence that he was actually inserting his penis in a hydraulic tube in preparation for molesting a child. Also of note was the fat Mexican guy, who showed up with a bag full of Taco Bell. That's actually pretty smart; I'm sure that there's nothing like a zesty taco after having sex with a minor. Maybe he was going to share some with the girl, I don't know.
Most of them didn't seem that surprised when the actress the police had hired left and Stone Philips and his camera crew jumped out and started asking questions. On a side note, they made it a distinct point to mention that the girl was an actress. Can you put that on your acting resume? What would you credit it as? "2006, Los Angeles Police Department - Pedophile bait"? That was how the sting was set up; the girl would lure the guy into the back of the house, say she was going to go slip into some lingerie or something, and then Stone would somberly walk out with a transcript of all of the dirty things the guy had been saying online. A few of them broke and ran right then, which just meant they got tackled and maced in the driveway, which is always fun to watch. But for the most part, they just sat there and had a nice little chat, admitted they were sick, and then quietly walked out front to get arrested. It was kind of funny; every time Stone would confront his next victim, he'd ask them if they knew who he was. For the most part, everyone just sort of nodded and said yes, except for this one hipster guy, who just looked him square in the eye and said "No, man. I have no idea who you are." Stone got pretty mad; you could see his face starting to turn red, and I'm sure he told the cops to make sure they beat that guy with a phonebook a little harder than usual when they got back to the station.
So in conclusion, there are a lot of messed up people out there. I think they've done the show like six times or something, and each time, they catch more and more people. That's fucking insane. I don't know how many of my friends who read this are secretly child molesters (I have my suspicions about several), but if you are, please take this warning to heart: don't try and fuck children that you meet on the internet. You're only going to get caught on national television, and then I'll be forced to say something in the subsequent interview like "Wait, he got caught fucking a 12 year old? Hm. Yeah, I guess I could see that."
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