There are a myriad of problems facing the population in the world today. Whether it's the almost comical pointlessness of the war in Iraq, the racial and economic hotbed that's become the issue of illegal immigration, or the increasing likelihood that the Earth will soon explode due to global warming, it would seem that the average person has enough to occupy their thoughts. But there's one facet of society that has emerged in the last 60 years which completely renders these other terrors insignificant; one thing that I believe truly heralds the eventual downfall of Man. I'm speaking, of course, about peoples (especially Americans) inane fascination with the actors and actresses that we have deemed "celebrities".
Don't get me wrong, I love movies. I'm a totally ambivalent connoisseur of film, meaning that I'll watch pretty much anything. If it's a well crafted movie with a strong plot, engaging characters, and decent cinematography, I'll enjoy it on an artistic level. If it's a movie starring Boogaloo Shrimp as a break dancer trying to win a dance contest so that the rec center where he engages in his energetic but unorthodox dance styling's won't be bulldozed, I'll laugh at how bad it is. But despite the enjoyment that I and millions of other people derive from watching movies, I don't feel that the actors deserve the level of monetary compensation and public fascination that's awarded to them.
The apexes of this intent obsession are the tabloid magazines. Everyone's read them; even if it's just in line at the grocery store. For some reason, it's impossible not to pull one out of the rack at some point and think to yourself "Hmm. It really is a shame that Jessica Simpson was found in bed with four Taiwanese midgets. Nick must be devastated." I don't know why we do it, and when you think about it, it's ridiculous. I can guarantee you that there's as much, if not more drama going on in just my apartment complex, but no one feels the need to put out a magazine detailing every time my hot neighbor gets out of a car with no panties on. So I've gone and summarized a few of what are, in my opinion, some of the more asinine "events" happening in the world of celebrity gossip.
CLAY AIKEN IS FAT! AND MAYBE GAY!
A similar picture to this one is the whole reason why I decided to write this little piece. I was over at Ryan's the other night, flipping through an Us Weekly (Ryan enjoys shoe-shopping and keeping abreast of celebrity gossip, what can I say? He's a friend; I won't judge him.), when I came across this incredibly unflattering portrait of pseudo-pop idol Clay Aiken on page 10. Unfortunately, a myriad of Google searches for Clay+Aiken+Fat didn't return any hits for this particular image, even when I narrowed it down by adding helpful adjectives like Clay+Aiken+Humongous+Lardass, or even Clay+Aiken+Ham+Overload. So I had to settle for this picture from famed celebrity gossip and overrated waste of space Perez Hilton's website. If you don't know who he is, he's a chubby and flamboyantly gay internet "writer" who has, for some reason, become something of a powerhouse in Hollywood by posting unflattering pictures of celebrities onto his poorly designed website. To make himself extra edgy, he then adds humorous captions like "I LOVE COCK!", or uses the 1998 version of Microsoft Paint to draw semen in the mouths of his victims. While his site is occasionally funny, he's the epitome of what's wrong with our celebrity- based society. I like to think that sometimes, late at night, he wakes up and realizes that if it wasn't for the fact that for some reason people care about what kind of hats K-Fed likes to wear when he's fucking strippers or whatever, he'd still be serving coffee at Starbucks and living with his mother.
So anyway, Clay Aiken is now fat. When asked by the fine journalists at Us Weekly about his recent expansion to unstoppable size, Clay responded by saying it was due to "Stress." He added, "Also, cake." He then proceeded to eat the reporter before going on an unstoppable rampage through downtown Los Angeles. But honestly, who the fuck cares? Clay is such a C-league celebrity/musical talent, they could have just put up a picture of one of those anonymous fat waddling asses they always show on the news when they do a story about obesity, and include the caption "Hey! Everyone! Look at this fat, waddling ass! Ha ha ha!".
There was also some sort of controversy a while back regarding Clay's sexuality. He's obviously scorchingly gay, so I don't really understand what all of the fuss is about. I think that Rosie O'Donnell outed him, and then there was some feud Clay got in with Kelly Rippa when she made a comment implying that she was grossed out that his hand could have recently been up another mans asshole after he tried to cover her mouth to stop her from revealing his homosexual shame to the world. This actually isn't that big of a deal when you think about; I know that if somebody that I barely knew tried to stick his fingers in my mouth, I'd be pretty pissed off. Does it really matter if he was fisting a guy or had been elbow deep in a female hooker beforehand? No, not at all. Having a stranger stick his hand under your nose is disgusting no matter what their sexual orientation is. Maybe these two disinteresting facets of Clay's life are related; maybe he gained all of that weight so that people would stop implying that he was gay. Everyone knows that gays are a fit and athletic people; maybe he just thought everyone would be more convinced that he enjoys women if he looked like no self respecting gay man would touch him with a ten foot pole, let alone his penis. In that case, mission accomplished.
TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES DID SOMETHING CUTE! OR INSANE! WHICHEVER!
I'm going to go on record here and just tell everyone how much I hate Tom Cruise. He's managed to become one of the wealthiest, most influential actors in the entire world by portraying rich, cocky assholes and showing no real talent other than being able to convincingly scream "haHA!" while looking like he's coked up. I guess he wasn't that bad in Collateral, but it really pissed me off that everyone made a big deal about the fact that he had such range and versatility because he was playing a villain and looked kind of grimy, despite that the only real difference between this role and all of his others was that this time, his character killed people instead of saving the world or romantically fucking a chick on a train or something wholesome like that. The fact that he's also a Scientologist is just icing on the cake; you really can't respect anybody who honestly believes that the only way to excise the spirits of the aliens that are trapped inside of us all is to give bags of money to an organization based on the deranged scribbling of a shitty science fiction author.
But then he had to go and take Katie Holmes away from us. I don't think she's a particularly good actress; her part in Batman Begins was pretty much the only superfluous and unwatchable part of that movie. I don't really know what other films she's been in, except for that one with Keanu Reeves where she takes her shirt off to expose her magnificent chest, which, by the way, is yet another perfect example of a no-talent hack being treated to something he totally doesn't deserve. I'm convinced that if Keanu wasn't a star, and didn't have a team of specially trained Keanu wranglers coordinating his every movement, natural selection would have taken effect a long time ago and he would have wandered into a bear cave after covering himself with honey or something. Anyway, I like Katie Holmes for the simple fact that she was Joey on Dawson's Creek, which I'm ashamed to admit I watched religiously in high school. She had the whole completely hot yet somehow attainable girl-next-door charm, and she managed to pull it of with grace and style. I never got to make out with her myself, but I'm pretty sure she'll call.
But now that she's been kidnapped by Tom and his sinister team of Scientology wizards, I really can't bring myself to muster any kind of emotion besides pity for her. The whole thing is pretty creepy; I think I read somewhere that they met, disappeared for like a week, and when they came back, Katie was glassy-eyed and robotically telling everyone how awesome Scientology was. I guess its okay for people to be interested in this, because the last time that I checked, it was still illegal for a batshit insane cult to kidnap someone and then brainwash them. But I could be wrong. I also don't like the way that the tabloids glorify them as "America's Superstar Couple!", or whatever other retarded copy line some Quaalude-addicted editor decides sounds good, when in reality, they're only an aging actor desperate to maintain his fame and convince the world of his heterosexuality and a former up-and-coming starlet who can't get any decent roles.
The only time that I'm personally going to become interested in their weird relationship is when one of two possible scenarios inevitably plays out. The first is that some highway patrolman is going to find Katie wandering naked down a deserted road somewhere in California, and after her system has purged all of the drugs that Tom was pumping into her, she'll reveal the harrowing tale of how she finally escaped his hidden Scientology hypnosis lair by sneaking out when he was distracted because he was fucking John Travolta. The second, equally likely scenario is that Tom will appear on Oprah again to allegedly announce his love of females in general, and especially his female wife, Katie Holmes. But this time, something will go horribly, horribly wrong:
Oprah: "So, Tom, it's great to have you back with us. How's the married life treating you? Up at all hours of the night with the baby? Children sure can be a handful! Can't they, ladies?"
(Raucous audience applause, punctuated by an occasional WHOOOO!)
Tom: "Silence, foolish human! This charade has gone on long enough! It is time to shed this disgusting fleshy shell and begin the conquest of your puny world!!"
Oprah: "Tom...what...what are you talking about?"
Tom: "All of these years, your primitive race has bowed down and worshipped me as a celebrity idol, little realizing that I had implanted subliminal messages in all of my films to make your eventual subjugation that much easier! For I am not your beloved Tom Cruise... (Rips off rubbery Tom Cruise mask to expose green chitinous skin, bristling antennae, and insectiod mandibles)...I am Zortax, ruler of the Alpha Nebulon Galaxy and soon to be overlord of Earth! Minions, prepare your attack!! AHa ha ha ha ha!"
Oprah: "AIIIEEEEE!!!"
So basically, Tom Cruise is either a deranged closet homosexual psychopath or a bug emperor from space. The sad thing is, both are equally believable. I hope he doesn't sue me.
OOPS! LINDSAY LOHAN SOMETIMES DOESN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR!!
First of all, I need to give credit to Brenda for initially showing me this picture. We were at a party at her house, and in a move that once again proves how lucky Lee is, she enthusiastically gathered everyone around her computer so that we could all see, in her words, a picture of Lindsay Lohan's "totally beefy vagina". I don't think that I stopped giggling for a good two hours and for the rest of the night, all someone would have to say were the words "beefy vagina" to me and I would be reduced to tears of helpless laughter.
Anyway, this is just stupid. Half of the girls I know don't wear underwear when they go out, I guess mainly because given the choice between displaying visible panty lines or having a piece of fabric shoved up your ass all night, it's more comfortable and aesthetically pleasing to just go commando . It's not like she was seen at a club, standing on a table with her dress pulled over head, screaming "EVERYONE LOOK AT MY VAGINA!!!", although with all of the drugs she's supposed to doing, it's probably not that far around the corner. But honestly, this is "news"? Who the fuck cares? It was just gross. I'm sure that one of the most frustrating things about being a celebrity is having to worry about some asshole paparazzi appearing out from under a manhole cover every time you're picking something large and slimy out of your nose, but when you have people taking pictures of you literally every single hour of every waking day, what do you expect? You're not going to look hot in all of them. I know that if I was a celebrity, there would probably be a special issue of People that would come out annually filled with nothing but exclusive pictures of me getting drunk and walking into things. But I honestly don't think that your marketability as an actor or actress is dictated by how many pictures of you wearing ugly shoes or gorging on pie there are in shitty magazines. Celebrities shouldn't care, and neither should we.
In conclusion, our society places far too much importance on these essentially vapid, relatively talentless people. I say "talentless" because it really does irk me that Tom Hanks gets paid 26 million dollars to sort of convincingly act like a retard for the four months he was shooting Forrest Gump, and I know cardiovascular surgeons who work 60 hours a week and make about 1/75 of that. And this is why all celebrities should be burned alive.
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