If you haven't seen the commercial yet, TV Land is apparently going to begin broadcasting a reality tv show starring the incomparable Mr. T. It's entitled "I Pity the Fool", and the premise involves Mr. T travelling around the country, perhaps in a van, helping those less fortunate than himself.
The commercial itself is hilarious. It begins with Mr. T, for some reason dressed in a cheap suit with a hoodie underneath, warning us that there "are Fools everywhere." He goes on to elaborate that there are "Fools in the workplace". There are even "Fools in the street". And perhaps most terrifying of all, "Fools in the home." He then explains how he plans to go around the country, "Pitying them". Next, there are several montages of Mr. T helping people, apparently by donning a red tracksuit and awkwardly dancing, or by yelling something nonsensical and glaring around sternly at a group of uncomfortable looking corporate employees. Intersperced with these awesome images is Mr. T's repeated admonition to watch his show, as it is "Reali-T-v", which is clever because it incorporates his last name. That actually is his last name, by the way. He legally changed his name from Laurence Tureaud to Mr. T, allegedly so that way people would be forced to call him "Mr". Amazing.
Don't get me wrong, I love Mr. T. Ever since I watched him as B.A. Barracus on the A-Team, I've been a fan. My favorite part of every episode, besides when Murdock would scream something about talking lamps and then suddenly realize he could speak Japanese, is the buildup to and eventual knockout of B.A. so they could get him on a plane. I've followed his long and successful career, which I think at one point included a cartoon where he hung around with a gang of pre-pubescent gymnasts, solving mysteries and fighting crime. I even used to eat his cereal, which I remember as being kind of like eating sweet, corn-tasting shards of glass. My mouth might be bleeding when I was done, but hey, it's Mr. T cereal, so who cares?
But I just don't think this show is the particular vehicle he needs to re-launch his superstar power back into the collective minds of the American public. Maybe he just needs the money; I thought I remembered reading somewhere that he was forced to sell his 400-pound gold jewelery collection to pay off creditors. I do know that he was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma in the 90's, but the only reason I remember that is because I thought that the irony was hilarious, and then immediatly questioned my morality and worth as a human being for thinking cancer was funny. I still feel bad about that. So maybe he has hospital bills to pay off, I don't know.
I just question the legitimacy of Mr. T walking into any kind of established workplace and lecturing people on the way they run their business. Even if it is run by "Fools", I don't know how much good Mr. T will do, no matter how much he "Pities" them. Maybe I'll be suprised, maybe he'll impart insightful words of wisdom, delivered in his gruff, loveable voice:
Mr. T: "Listen up, Fools! I'm Mr. T, and I'm here to whip you into shape! I pity the Fool who doesn't listen when Mr. T is talkin'!"
Corporate Executive: "Excuse me?"
Mr. T: "You heard me, sucka! Your earnings are down, and the current marketplace analysis shows a clear trend towards diversifying your stock options, thus improving per capita income while at the same time shattering the downshift paradigm of increased insider profiteering!"
(I don't know how many people I know will actually read this, but if you don't know me, I've worked in healthcare in one capacity or another my whole life. I know absolutely nothing about the business world, despite having many friends who are very successful in it and have tried to explain it's intricacies to me many, many times, to no avail. Thus, I'm totally making all of this up. Actually, the one thing I did get out of those conversations was that while I was in the emergency room, performing CPR so that another human being wouldn't, you know, die, they had better hours than me and made a lot more money. Fuckers.)
Corporate Executive: "Oh. Um...Well, actually....we were going to address some of those very issues at the next board meeting..."
Mr. T: "You've got no time for that, Fool! Even as we speak, your stock options are plummeting! I pity the Fool that can't tell Mr. T why he hasn't re-routed his company's 401k plan into a more diversified and money efficient 256-B, as allowed under IRS financial statute 115, sub-article C!"
Coporate Executive: "Ah...Yeah. Wow. I think somebody in accounting is looking into that. Wait, I think that's him on speakerphone now. Steve, did you get all that? You did? What's that? Mr. T's advice has singlehandedly saved our company? Oh my God! Thank you, Mr. T, thank you!"
So yeah, I don't really see that scenario playing out. It'd be a lot more entertaining if he just went around with a camera crew and a bat and videotaped himself beating the fuck out of spousal abusers, or people who are mean to puppies or something. I'd definetly watch that. I mean, I'm sure I'm going to watch at least one episode of "I Pity the Fool" just to see how ridiculous it is, but I don't really see myself tuning in every week.
But best of luck to you, Mr. T. I'm rooting for you.
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