It was Superbowl Sunday this last weekend, that wonderful time of year when the absolute best of our nation's gridiron champions test their skills against one another in a grueling physical confrontation to determine who will be the greatest football team in the world. Well, not the world. Mostly America. And just until next year. As anyone who knows me can attest, I'm really not that into football. It's not that I don't like watching large, muscular men in skintight clothing getting sweaty and jumping into piles on top of each other, it's just that I can't muster up enthusiasm for something that has absolutely no effect on my life whatsoever. I don't know if this is a reflection of how self-absorbed I am, but I honestly can't think of any trend that I follow with the degree of obsessivness that some of my friends display with sports. Don't get me wrong, I scream with joy every time I read that there's a new Harry Potter book coming out, and I attended the midnight premiere of Revenge of the Sith dressed like a Robot Jedi (thus combining two things which are awesome; namely, robots and Jedi.) But once the initial euphoria passes, that's it. I don't compulsively check websites every day to make sure J.K. Rowling hasn't been kidnapped by evil wizards because her books are getting too close to the truth, or to see if there's been inside information leaked about how George Lucas plans to further ruin the Star Wars franchise by re-releasing the movies and adding even more annoying CGI space muppets. Maybe it's sad that I don't have things I'm that passionate about in my life, but if the alternative is to be forced to care that "hulking man-ogre #1" was purchased like a pack of cigarettes from "team with racially insensitive name #4", then I don't really care. I guess that there are varying degrees of fandom; for example, one of the only reasons that I ever watch sports with my friends at all is to laugh while Country Mike screams incoherently and throws beer cans at the TV. And that's fine; he gets into the game, and maybe part of him honestly believes that if he yells loud enough, the quarterback will be able to magically sense his devotion with the power of his mind and kick another homerun past the goalie or whatever. But then there's the totally opposite end of the spectrum; like the insane fanaticism that prompts Oakland Raiders fans to loot and pillage after what seems like almost every major game their team is involved in. That kind of manic devotion I just don't get; at what point does "Boy! I sure am bummed that my team didn't win the Superbowl!" turn into "Hey! My fucking team lost! I'm going to follow this cinderblock through a window and steal some televisions!" I can't think of anything that would make me so excited that I have to express my enthusiasm by lighting cars on fire, and to be honest, I'm kind of glad that I don't. I think that liking football is something you have to be introduced to at a young age. For example, my dad never really watched sports on TV at all, so I never had the magical experience of rooting for the home team on Sundays, just me and the old man drinking beer and bonding. I tell everyone it's because he's from England, when actually that's just a clever excuse for me to work the fact that I'm half British into the conversation, which I believe totally enhances my sex appeal. This argument would have more credence if my dad liked soccer, because then he could angrily complain about how we stupid yanks took the word "football" and applied it to the wrong sport, right before he yelled "Oi!" and layed someone out with a crippling headbutt. So I didn't grow up watching sports, and I think that's probably the main reason why I don't like them now.
The real reason that I watch the Superbowl is for the commercials. According to the arbitrary numbers I just made up, each second of airtime during the Superbowl costs roughly six hundred trillion dollars, so you would think that every single piece of advertising done during that time would be a work of artistic genius. Sadly, this wasn't the case at all. I mean, there were a few good ones, like the two lions discussing the correct pronunciation of "carne asada" before presumably mauling an antelope to death, or the one with the sad robot who dreams about committing robot suicide because he's not working hard enough for GM. That one is kind of creepy when you think about it; it's basically implying that every single employee of GM is so incredibly loyal to their company that if they mess up and get fired, they'll spiral down into a crippling depression before trying to throw themselves off of a bridge. This actually makes me more hesitant to buy GM products; I mean, what if my particular vehicle is recalled for some minor defect? Based on the commercial, I would drive it back to whatever dealership I bought it from, and be greeted by something like this:
Me: "Um, excuse me? I called earlier. I'm bringing back in my Pontiac Torrent Crossover. Besides having a ridiculously stupid name, it also appears to have a defect that causes the trunk to become unlocked whenever I accelerate past ten miles an hour. I was planning on killing some hookers and using the Pontiac Torrent Crossover's spacious and roomy interior trunk space to my advantage when disposing of the bodies, but you can see the problem if one of them is still alive and the trunk just randomly flies open. It'd be kind of an awkward moment for everyone involved."
GM Manager: "I see. Yes, that most certainly is unacceptable. Please, accept this as a token of my sincerest apologies while we investigate who is responsible for this...this atrocity."
(takes out knife, slices off right pinky finger)
Me: "Oh...Oh my God!! What the fuck did you just do that for?! Jesus Christ!!"
GM Manager (calmly bandaging bleeding hand): "Ah, I believe that we have found the culprit."
(two GM henchman enter, dragging a third employee, kicking and struggling, between them)
GM Henchman 1: "We found him in the North breakroom, sir. Apparently one of the guards failed to properly secure his ankle shackles after his 3 minute lunch break, and the scum escaped before he finished working on the trunk lock."
GM Employee: "NO! AHH!! PLEASE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!!"
GM Manager: "Silence! Your pitiful mewling brings not only further shame upon you, but on your entire family!!"
GM Employee: "AHH!! NO!! NO, I BEG OF YOU, GRANT ME A MERCIFUL DEATH!!"
Me: "Um, you know, all of this isn't really necessary...."
GM Manager: "Ha ha ha! Of course it is, sir. Here at GM, we believe that quality and dedication to our product is the highest priority."
Me: "Yeah, but....I mean...are you all going to, like, kill that guy?"
GM Manager: "Due to his many years of loyal service, I have decided to be lenient and allow him the option of ritual suicide. Although it is more than this piece of sniveling filth deserves."
GM Employee (tears of happiness now streaming down his face): "Oh, thank you sir! I will remember you and your generosity in the afterlife!"
GM Manager: "Take him away."
(Positions knife over left pinky finger)
GM Manager: "Now then, sir, have you been experiencing any other troubles with your GM vehicle?"
Me: "No, I think everything else has been pretty cool. Thanks."
Honestly, who really wants that on their conscience? One of the other funny commercials was for Bud Light, but was only entertaining because it involved people slapping each other in the face, and you really can't go wrong with physical humor. I don't know why we as a society have decided that watching someone fall down a flight stairs is amusing, but I have to admit that I laughed uproariously at the Doritos commercial with a girl faceplanting in front of her car. I guess that if we didn't have this fascination, Bob Sagat's career would have ended much sooner than it did. I'm pretty sure the last two seasons of America's Funniest Home Videos were only variations of "Man Hit in Groin With Object", or maybe "Man Hit in Groin With Object, Falls Over, Is Then Hit in Groin Again, This Time With Heavier Object." And I'm sure that ratings had probably never been higher.
The only other commercial of note was the one with Kevin Federline in it, and I'm amused right now because I honestly can't remember what product it was advertising. It was for a bank or something, right? He's pretending he's in a rap video and has his reality shattered when it turns out he's not actually draped in mink and throwing money around, but working as a fry guy in a fast food restaurant. Then there's some tagline about how life can change quickly, so use our totally safe banking, or something. Awesome. The sheer patheticness of this commercial fascinates me; you can just tell that he's decided to give up any dreams he had of being taken seriously as an artist, and has already consigned himself to pulling in as much cash as he can while people still remember that he's a joke. That's the sad part. Vanilla Ice will go down in musical history as one of the worst things to ever happen to rap music, and he could do a commercial when he's 80 about how goofy he is and it would still resonate. No one's going to remember who the fuck K-Fed even was in the next ten years. The only other thing that I thought about while watching this commercial was thinking how at the end of it, they probably made him give back all of the designer suits and fur coats he was wearing during the shoot, while he stood in a corner in his dirty wifebeater and looked morose.
So these are supposed to be the cream of the advertising crop, the best of the best? Not really. I guess the companies used all of their money to buy the airspace and could only afford a single monkey with a typewriter to script the ads, but come on. Don't get me wrong, they were better than half of the commercials that play during regular broadcast hours. There are two out right now that I find particularly ridiculous. The first is the one for Quizno's delicious new Delectable Italian Whatever sandwich, where they compare it to an inferior yet just-as-rubbery Subway sandwich. The legality of these types of commercials has always kind of intrigued me; I mean, why stop at pointing out that your sandwich is packed with a greater variety of meatlike substances? Why not just tell people that your competition uses discarded third world babies as the stock for its Creamy Ranch Dressing, or seasons its burgers with dirty hobo fingernails? Can you do that? Do they have to go through a rigorous series of blinded scientific studies to determine that their sandwich is, in fact, bigger? That's not the part of the commercial that really gets me, though. Quizno's marketing strategy here involves their "satisfaction guarantee", which states that if you're not completely satisfied with their product, you're eligible to receive another zesty sandwich, free of charge! Yay! Hey, genius, if I wasn't totally satisfied with your greasy faux-lunchmeat the first time, why the fuck would I want you to give me another one, even if it doesn't cost me anything? This is actually a genius plan when you analyze it, because most people, if they're unhappy with their purchase, won't take the trouble to march back into their local eatery and argue with the subhuman counter slave to try and get a free sandwich. Then if they do, an altercation like this will no doubt ensue:
Irate Customer: "Excuse me? I just purchased one of your Delectable Italian Whatever sandwiches, and I have to say, I'm disappointed. The subtle blending of herbs and spices didn't blend quite as magically as I'd hoped in my mouth, the presentation was boring, and I'm pretty sure I bit into what looks like a human tooth."
Subhuman Counter Slave: "Grunt."
Irate Customer: "So anyway, despite my complete disgust with your product, I'd like you to give me another one, only this time, I won't pay for it."
Subhuman Counter Slave: "But you just said you didn't like it."
Irate Customer: "Correct. And that's why I want another one. For free."
Subhuman Counter Slave: "But if you don't like something, why would you want more of it?"
Irate Customer: "Because...I...No, wait, I do like it. Give me the free one."
Subhuman Counter Slave: "Ha ha! Based on the terms and agreement of the Quizno's satisfaction guarantee, you must be totally dissatisfied with our food before we'll give you more of it. Buy a sandwich or get out."
Irate Customer: "Curses!"
The people at Quizno's are brilliant. The other commercial I find laughable is the one for some kind of Herpes medication. I forget which one it is, as commercials for people with debilitating venereal diseases invariably show happy couples strapped into a kayak parasail flying over the edge of a waterfall at sunset, so they're hard to differentiate. I'm sure that life isn't nearly as peachy when you're screaming because it feels like your pee is made of flaming needles as these ads would lead you to believe, but that's not the best part. In an effort to apparently make their ads more credible with the addition of random numbers (numbers mean SCIENCE!), the commercial points out with tremendous gravity that over 70% of the population has been infected with Herpes when their partner was displaying no active symptoms. This is great; it means that if you do happen to get Herpes from having unprotected sex with whatever random stranger you brought home, it's not your fault. The flip side of this amazing scientific fact, of course, means that 30% of people infected had sex without a condom with someone who had red, swollen genitalia covered in weeping sores. In that case, fuck you. You deserve whatever horrible affliction befalls you. Have fun with your kayaks and sunsets.
So commercials, for the most part, either make no sense or are just stupid. Admittedly, if I worked in advertising and was told that my brand new account was for a cream that lessened the pain of a Herpes outbreak, I'd probably be stumped on where to begin. But these people do this kind of stuff for a living. If it were me, I would just follow the cardinal rule of marketing: if you put a monkey, or maybe a midget, or a midget in a monkey costume in your ad, it will be a resounding success. Or at the very least, make just me laugh. And isn't that what's truly important?
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