So when I heard that a new, live-action movie was going to be made, I thought “Eh. It’ll suck.” It had to. I mean, you can’t translate a kids cartoon about giant transforming robots onto the big screen, especially if you want to include real actors. No one would care about the human characters, and any attempt to make the Transformers themselves appear cool was bound to fail. And then I heard that it was being directed by Michael Bay. I have nothing against Michael Bay, really; I can honestly say that I’ve enjoyed most of his movies (well, Armageddon made me want to go home and pound nails into my eyes, but The Island was pretty good). They’re sensationalistic, over-dramatic crap from an artistic standpoint, but whatever. They’re fun to watch, and I hate it when people deride a movie because it’s lacking in symbolism, or doesn’t have multiple layers of stark commentary on today’s society or whatever. Who the fuck cares? Shut up, eat your popcorn, and watch women in tiny clothes shoot things with rocket launchers for a few hours.
That being said, he’s also not one of those directors that I would have immediately thought of to attempt something like this. I really do have to admire the man’s balls; he must have known going in that if he fucked this up, it would royally screw his career. And he also had to know how hard the movie would be to pull off! He would have to appeal to people like me, who had grown up watching the show, playing with the toys, and had nothing but the fondest memories of this bygone portion of our youth that was now lost forever. He would have to appeal to a new generation of people potentially like me, young kids who will see a semi-truck transform into a huge automaton for the first time and think “Holy shit! This is fucking cool! (or whatever it is kids say these days).” And finally, he would have to deal with people who are like me, but a me who never had sex or moved out of my parent’s basement and spends all day on the internet debating the true color of Megatron’s Arm-Mounted Death Laser based on the English versus Japanese versions of the toy. It’s because of the last group that I’ll bet a lot of directors before Mr. Bay passed up this particular project. These sad people rule the internet, and their bitterness and rage towards those who would dare to try and change the perceptions of their beloved past is terrible to behold. I would imagine that this is mainly due to the fact that the best portions of their lives occurred while they were playing with their Autobots and Decepticons, blissfully unaware that in a mere twenty years, they’d be working in a Pizza Hut and still having their mom do their laundry while they furiously masturbated over online Thundercats porn. Regardless of their position in real life, the internet and the people who write on it play a huge part nowadays in how well a movie does; I mean, the Star Wars prequels sucked enormous horse balls, but a lot of the negative press came from the fact that dorks watched the movies and then went online the next day to gripe about all of the inconsistencies and stupid dialogue that those of us who don’t carry lightsabers around at all times would have probably missed. So I would have imagined that even if they were brave enough, no director could have done a good enough job with a Transformers movie to actually appease those people like me that, you know, think the cartoon was cool, let alone people who can boast owning a hand made paper-mache Grimlock costume. Grimlock, by the way, was the one that could turn into a dinosaur, which is kickass on so many levels that the English language doesn’t have words to describe it. I’ll bet the Japanese do, though. Hmm.
Phonetically: “Ichiha Kenshin”:
Definition: “That which is awesome like a robot that can also turn into a dinosaur, from space. It is also another word for “smokestack”, as well as an honorific for your mother’s third aunt, but only if she has killed herself after dishonoring her family.”
Neat. Where was I? The movie. Right. So was it is as awful as I was secretly expecting, worthy of the derision and vitriol that the furious nerds of the internet were sure to heap upon it? Did Michael Bay insert a touchingly rad moment where the dad Autobot sacrificed himself to save his unborn child and daughter by blowing up for no reason while smashing through multiple plates of glass duel-wielding laser pistols to a throbbing techno beat? Would the transforming robots look nothing like what I remembered from my childhood, updated for today so extensively that they looked more like huge balls of wire and microchips with legs?
No. I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, that the new Transformers movie was one of the Most Entertaining Films That I Have Ever Seen. No joke.
It was great. It’s been rare recently for me to go to a movie and not think, after the first two hours or so, “Man, I kind of wish this would wrap up.” I loved the Lord of The Rings, but after the fifteen minute montage at the end of the third one that consisted of literally every single character walking into a room and joyously waving at the gay hobbit in slow motion, I was about to punch the blond kid in front of me just because he kind of looked like an elf. That didn’t happen once during Transformers. I was legitimately engrossed from the moment I sat down to the moment I got up. Should you go see it if you’re expecting an art house flick with French people smoking cigarettes while having clandestine homosexual affairs with their mothers? No. Should you go see it if you want an allegory of how we as a people are destroying our planet through our relentless technological advances, juxtaposed over the irony of a race far technologically superior to our own doing its best to save us? No, and fuck you for being smart enough to even think that, Captain Intelligence. Should you go see it if you want to see an incredibly animated, gigantic Optimus Prime judo-throw a Decepticon through a freeway, punch it so hard that one of its evil robot eyes pops out, then smash it through the face with a laser sword? Yes, you should, and even if you don’t, you should see it anyway due to the fact that after I typed that last description, my keyboard exploded because what I wrote was so fucking cool.
Was it cheesy? God, yes. There was literally every movie cliché you can think of somehow jammed in. Army soldier estranged from newborn daughter? Check. Goofy teen who becomes a hero while getting the hot yet misunderstood chick? Check. Australian hacker girl who’s somehow so good with computers she can effortlessly decode space transmissions and government security systems? Check. But you know what? It worked. It all flowed seamlessly. There was not a single scene that I can remember that I winced at during the movie which didn’t have a reason for being there. The plot was basic, but made sense. Not once did I have to think to myself, “Wait, why are the bad robots blowing helicopters out of the sky right now?”, or “Hey, that good robot just exploded the bad ones head off; what was his motivation for doing that again?” And that was the right way to play it; a basic story of good versus evil with as much human drama as you can feasibly put in, but not so much that it detracts from watching Optimus Prime being an incredible badass.
And when you see the animation and CGI, you won’t care what the plot is anyway. It’s that good. The digital graphics people did what I thought was impossible. They made Transformers look real. And I know that some people will bitch because they don’t look exactly like their cartoon counterparts, but those people are idiots. The cartoon was made in the 80’s, and by today’s standards looks like a collection of retarded monkey drawings put together in a flipbook. Progress and change are good, as long as genuine improvement is present. And man, was this an improvement. The act of a car turning into a giant robot not only looked seamless, it looked like it could actually happen. I was secretly hoping that when we got back out to my jeep, it would launch into the air, parts whirring and clicking, then rumble “Quickly, Human Austin! We haven’t a second to lose! The vile Decepticons are planning to kidnap the Earth President in exchange for your government’s stockpiles of priceless Ergonian Cubes! Autobots, move out!” That didn’t happen, but it still didn’t prevent me from talking to my car the entire way home in the hopes that maybe it was just one of the shy kind of Autobots.
The battle scenes were incredible. The last quarter of the movie is given over solely to gigantic robots shooting lasers and launching each other through buildings, with maybe a few tender human moments thrown in that are quickly ended by something blowing up. You know that chase scene from the Matrix Reloaded, where everyone made such a big deal of the Wachowski brothers for building their own fake highway and using ground-breaking technological effects? There are scenes in this that make Neo jumping around from car to car look like a three year old put together a short film using stop animation and his collection of McDonalds toys. When a Decepticon plane flies in to shoot down some Airforce F-16’s, then transforms into its true robot shape to jump from one plane to the next ripping off wings and shattering cockpits as it goes, and it actually LOOKS like what I’m describing is happening, it’s something to see.
And I’m not saying that it was without its flaws; there was this subtle, patriotic feel to the movie, with grand sweeping shots of army units in action, flying planes and working at computer banks and saving little desert children and stuff. There were a few funny scenes implying that our President is stupid, so for the most part the message I think the movie was trying to get across was “support the troops, not the war and the ape-man who brought us there.” Maybe it’ll work; maybe now that the movie’s been released the army will change its recruiting slogan from “An Army of One” to “Join the Army, And Help Explode Megatron While Optimus Prime Cheers You On! Lasers! Boom!” and our nations armed forces will swell with eager young cadets. They had a Linkin Park song on at the end of the movie too, and I understand that helps recruit people to die in foregien countries as well. There were a few scenes that kind of dragged on, but by the time the Transformers have shown up, any scene with one of them in it, even if they’re just standing around and scratching their giant robotic balls, is entrancing. Oh, and one of them takes off it’s “gas cap” and “lubricates” all over John Turturro. That was a little weird.
So anyway, go see it. If you liked the Transformers, you’ll love it. If you like giant robots and incredible action, you’ll love it. If you like cheesy coming of age movies, you’ll love it, but you might get distracted by the explosions during tender moments. Maybe if I see it again, all of its faults will come glaringly to the surface, but I doubt it. Strong work, Michael Bay.
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