I'm crappy at blogging

I know, I know. I said I was going to update this blog every single day, and then didn't write anything for over a week. I'm a terrible person. It's actually kind of embarrassing; after that last post my mom (who I think makes up around 97% of my readership) called and told me I shouldn't have promised something I obviously wasn't going to do. At the time I was indignant, but I guess it turns out she knows me better than I thought. Go figure.

My main excuse is that I was in NYC all last week, going to various ad agencies and showing my work to get some feedback on what I need to add/remove/make better before I graduate in September and actually need to find a job. I managed to see 13 people at 7 different agencies, which was awesome. The feedback was terrific; I think I've got a real handle on what I need to do over the next few months so I'm not parking cars or cleaning toilets while I wait for someone to hire me.

Anyway, the flight back was delayed by 2 hours because of bad weather and La Guardia's general ability to suck as an airport, meaning I didn't have much to do after they played the video about useless things you're supposed to remember if the plane loses a wing or is shot down by sky pirates or something. Which turned out to be fine, because as I was watching, I noticed something weird: when the airline safety bimbo got to the part about using your cushion as a flotation device, she very distinctly said "some cushions" may be used as makeshift rafts. Not "all" cushions. Just "some".

So I amused myself while waiting for takeoff by thinking about all of the other things apparently unmarked, random cushions on an airplane might be filled with instead of buoyant foam material. Here are a few:

- Candy
- Other, smaller cushions which also don't float
- Centipedes
- Rainbows and/or unicorns
- Stale airline peanuts
- The dignity of male stewardesses
- Anvils
- Unused bombs left by terrorists who saw Rocky as the in-flight movie and decided they loved America
- Sweater vests
- Trout (I mean, they kind of float. So that'd be helpful.)
- Collected toenail clippings from the entire crew
- Copies of the pilot's unsold erotic screenplay, entitled "Captain Passion: Wings of Desire"

I think I came up with some more, but they were just silly. My musings were finally broken by the start of the in-flight feature film, which, because there were kids aboard or because Delta hates me, was "17 Again", starring Zack Effron and Chandler from Friends. I won't bore you with a plot recap, but basically Chandler gave up on being an all-star basketball player in high school because he knocked up his girlfriend, and spends the next few decades quietly hating his life, spouse and children. He's given an opportunity to make his sad existence slightly less shitty by a magical janitor (no, really), and is regressed back to the age of 17, where he attends high school with his own children and learns valuable lessons about life, love, and almost having sex with your own daughter.

As a huge surprise to nobody, it was balls-awful. But the one part I found funny was the casting decision of Chandler as an older Zack Effron. I mean, if I was Zack, I'd be more than a little pissed when the producers told me they think I'll look like the doughy guy from Friends in a few years:

Producer: "Hey, Zack! Buddy! What's the haps, my man? I've gotta tell you, we here at the studio are so freaking psyched to have you on board for our little picture!"

Zack Effron: "Gosh, me too! I've seriously been trying not to break into a spontaneous dance number with excitement all morning!"

Producer: "Ha ha! Well, you keep on doing that! Seriously! Because it's kind of creepy when it's not in a movie. Whereas in a movie, it's just really gay."

Zack Effron: "What?"

Producer: "Nothing, champ. Hey, I've got some more big news for you: we've gone ahead and cast the role of your older self! And you are never going to believe who we landed!"

Zack Effron: "Wow! That's terrific! Who is it? Clooney? Pitt? Ooh! Hugh Jackman?"

Producer: "Even better! Get ready for this: the part of older you is going to be played by....Matthew Perry!!"

Zack Effron: "....Who?"

Producer: "That's right! Matthew Perry! Chandler Bing from Friends! The guy from that movie with Chris Farley where they fell over a lot and were frontier explorers or whatever!"

Zack Effron: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Producer: "Ha ha! I know! I can't believe it either! Oscars, here we come!"

Zack Effron: "So you're saying I'm going to look like a chubby, pill-addicted nobody in 17 years? I'm Zack Teen-Fucking-Heartthrob Effron, motherfucker!! I'm the star of High School Musicals 1-24, and its spinoff Space High School Musical: Lasertime Rock! I'm going to be dreamy until the day I die!"

Producer: "Whoa, Zack! Buddy! There's nothing we can do about it! It wasn't our choice; we actually have a massive Hollywood supercomputer that can accurately determine who a star will look like after a given amount of time. It's not us, man. It's science. And maybe math. Or both. Whatever."

Zack Effron: "Really? So I'm actually doomed to grow up and look like fucking Chandler?"

Producer: "Well, the computer said it's either that or you're going to hang yourself in two years after being outed as a homosexual when caught fucking Tom Cruise in a hot tub. Fifty-fifty one way or the other."


True story. Until next time, then, which hopefully will be sooner than a week from now. But no promises.