If you've been following the tabloids recently, you'll know that I've had a busy few months. In addition to being the other man involved in the Simpson/Romo breakup, and killing Michael Jackson with heroin pills I hid inside of a young boy, I also managed to get myself forcibly deported from Canada.
It's not that exciting of a story, actually. I went to Montreal for a bachelor party, and, upon going through customs, was informed that the D.U.I. I received four years ago in America was considered a felony charge in Canada. This meant, obviously, that I was a dangerous criminal (but only in their country), and that they were required by law to ship me back out on the next available plane. Which, fortunately for me, wasn't until 1:30 the following day.
So they kept my passport and told me I could stay for one night, but that if I didn't show up at the appointed time tomorrow, a warrant would be issued for my arrest and I'd be apprehended by Mounties, thrown into Canadian jail, and spend the next 50 years being sodomized by criminal bears armed with hockey sticks. So I got to party for one night, which was awesome, except for the fact that while most strippers in Montreal are hot, I've seen sexier dance moves from pens with chicks on the end who take their clothes off when you click them.
When I showed up at the airport the next day, I was treated with another display of awesome Canadian hospitality and literally escorted all the way through the airport and onto the plane itself by an armed customs guard. Which turned out to be kind of fun, because I spent the rest of the flight staring unblinkingly at the people next to me and asking questions about their childhoods, using my own inner darkness as a mirror to their souls until they shrieked out all of their terrible secrets. Also, the stewardess totally gave me extra peanuts, which I'm assuming was a silent plea for me not to kill her.
Anyway, when I got home, I started thinking about all of the things Canada does on a regular basis to magnificently fail as part of a much larger, cooler continent, and decided to declare bullshit on the entire country for the following five reasons:
# 5: They Deported Me
While you'd think this would be higher up on the list, it turns out there are actually way more reasons Canada should just be bulldozed into a parking lot or turned into an Eskimo preserve than just their treatment of me. While we're on the subject, though, let's look at how ridiculous their stupid law is:
I understand that different countries have different views on the severity of specific crimes. For example, murder is actually legal in Italy, and it's not considered rape in Japan unless a woman is penetrated by no less than six writhing tentacle monsters. But honestly, Canada, come on. A first-offense DUI is a felony? Do they not realize the legal drinking age there is like 17? American high school students living in the north regularly drive into the country for the sole purpose of getting wasted and then DRIVING BACK HOME. And even for your own citizens, having a younger drinking age but a harsher penalty for DUI's is like issuing mandatory government knives to your students and sending them to Stabbing Class, but then punishing them with a criminal record if they happen to actually stab someone. And in case you're curious, yes, that was a kickass analogy and makes total sense.
# 4: Their Giant, Holographic Money
When I first exchanged my real, American money for stupid, Canadian money, I actually thought the guy behind the counter was fucking with me. After I handed him ten twenties, he gave me back a stack of large, glittery paper and a bunch of irregularly shaped coins with random animals on them. The bills didn't really look like money, but what you'd get if a postcard from somewhere really boring fucked a novelty trading card issued by a retirement home baseball team. I politely explained that I wanted actual currency, not to play a game of Fabulous Candyland Monopoly, but he chittered something at me in Canadian and started talking to the next person in line. Afraid he would throw an otter at me if I asked too many questions, I quickly hurried away.
Still mystified, I went to buy a drink to test if what he'd given me was actual money or the mini-posters for geriatric wilderness light shows I suspected. I successfully purchased a Coke, which meant it was real, but also meant the Canadian people need color-coded bills in case they forget what numbers are, and all apparently have wallets the size of phone books. I'm sure the old people represented on the money are important, but since the only famous Canadian I know is Rick Moranis, I still don't have any idea who they are. Well, except for Queen Elizabeth, who's on the twenty. But that doesn't really count, because the fact Canada has to put monarchs from other countries on their currency is one more indication they shouldn't be a country to begin with.
#3: They're All French Or Whatever
Because I couldn't be bothered to actually look up the history of Canada, I have no idea why it's filled with obnoxious, smelly French people. My working theory is that the French, tired of fucking each other, looked to the West for a new, unspoiled land filled with voluptuous seals and sexy bears they could rape to their hearts content. Upon arriving, they founded numerous colonies based on an economy of fur and handjobs, which evolved into the useless country we know and hate today.
#2: Canadian Superheroes Are All Retarded
I'm not sure if Canada actually makes it's own comic books, but the heroes portrayed in American publications are astonishingly shitty. Well, except for Wolverine, who's actually Canadian and started his heroic career on the Canadian government team, Alpha Flight. But his membership only lasted for like a week, because he soon realized his teammates consisted of a Sasquatch, a leaping midget (see below), a magical Eskimo, and a guy kind of dressed like the Canadian flag. So he promptly left and joined the X-Men, and when Alpha Flight came to America in an attempt to take him back, helped the X-Men kick their asses through their faces in a truly glorious fashion. He then pointed out Canada didn't really need superheroes anyway, because no self-respecting villain would waste their time trying to dominate their useless country in the first place. So they dejectedly left the U.S. and went back to making syrup and watching hockey.
But just to drive home the degree to which Canadian heroes suck, here are a few more specific examples:
This is Puck. He's an acrobatic midget in a unitard who's kind of strong and good at doing frontflips or something. He also has a giant "P" emblazoned on his chest, which I can only assume stands for "PussyMidget". I mean seriously, a tiny guy named "Puck" is an actual crimefighter? That would be like America having a morbidly obese dwarf codenamed "Baseball" whose power was being thrown around and hit with sticks.
This is Major Mapleleaf. I guess the writers thought "Captain Canada" was a stupid name and came up with this brilliant abortion of an idea instead, and for that, they should all be sodomized with prickly Canadian pinecones. In addition to looking fantastically gay, it turns out this guy doesn't actually have any super powers at all! His amazing abilities are all the work of his magical, talking horse, who politely pretends not to notice when the retarded human sitting on top of him takes credit for his ability to shoot laser beams and fly or whatever. Beyond bullshit.
#1: Canada Is Filled With Yetis
Seriously, they're everywhere. And they'll fucking eat you. Canada sucks.
