Behold the terror of the pizza-cone

According to all known laws of food science, this shouldn’t exist. But somehow it does, and in fact exists less than three blocks away from my house. Which is awesome for me to make fun of now, but will undoubtedly result in me pounding like four of these monstrosities one night when I’m drunk and then spending the rest of the night crying in the shower.

Despite their uniqueness, I personally believe pizza-cones are destined to fail.

Here’s the way I see it: when you’re attempting to create a new restaurant or food business, it can be hard. You basically have two options if you want to be successful:

1.) Do something that’s been done before, but do the shit out of it. You want to make sushi? Hire the most bad-ass Japanese guy straight from Okinawa who speaks only in sushi-related haikus, ties his shoes using chopsticks, and has Aquaman powers so he can convince the fish they actually want to be eaten. If you’ve got a good location and some decent word of mouth, you’re in business.

2.) Create something completely and totally unique that people aren’t able to eat anywhere else. Apple tacos with maple syrup and Swiss cheese? Sure, why not. Chocolate-covered chicken nuggets with aioli and peanut butter filling? It’s probably tasty to someone!

However, what you SHOULDN’T do is take a food item that everyone loves (and in a city that sells that same item on literally every single street) and just fold it into a weird and unappetizing shape. That’s like someone saying “Okay, people love steak. And people love bowling. What if we sold giant, perfectly round balls of steak?” It’s not clever, it’s just gross.